the disgruntled world of ________ !

I suppose I should write something cathartic…something emotionally purging. I suppose I should get out of my woe-is-me funk. I suppose I should actually start the healing process, rather than continue to buy alcohol from a beverage warehouse (Thank you BevMo). I suppose.

Anyways, the way that everything went down was not as bad as I thought it would be. We sat in my room with a bottle of Tequila (Sauza) and started talking about where things went wrong. Then, we realized that wasn’t getting us anywhere…we both had different perspectives. So, we decided to reminisce about the beginnning. I think that’s usually the way it goes…whenever you are faced with the end…you start to think of the beginning. I think it’s because the beginning was so fresh and doe-eyed. I think it’s because the beginning meant promise and assurance of good times ahead.

Then, as time progresses, the beginning meets the murky gray middle and the middle is faced with some challenging hurdles. Despite, the path’s decaying “yellow brick road”…the journey itself is coupled with amazing moments of clarity and sheer happiness. As we walked that path together, we realized that we’ve come to an end. We’ve passed all our crossroads…we have gone through the detours…and now…we have come to the end.

I have seen the end and it comes in many forms…an empty room…a box of junk…an empty bottle…and dark shadows that mimicked the familiar. I sit in my room…not needing comfort…not needing words of encouragement…just wanting silence. I want complete and utter silence…because with silence comes no expectations…no arguments…no accountability…nothing. I am forced to process everything…I’m given the opportunity to cry without judgement…to curse without shame…to live without remorse.

I take a couple days off of work. I let the sadness and sorrow set in. I try to heal and purge and purge and heal. I numb the pain with alcohol. I get sick. I get tired. I feel defeated…not by the situation…but by my body. Then…as if reaching the apex of thought…I realized that I can’t force someone to be the person I need them to be…it’s either they are or they aren’t. It’s actually really simple. I realized that no one was really to blame for the dissolution of our relationship. Did we not try hard enough to salvage our relationship? Maybe. Do we regret our decision? Maybe. Are we going to be alright? Yes…I truly believe that we will be alright.

It’s time for a new beginning. It’s time to face life without apprehension. It’s time to live each day like it was my last. It’s time to listen to my own voice and see things through my own eyes.