the disgruntled world of ________ !

I suppose I should write something cathartic…something emotionally purging. I suppose I should get out of my woe-is-me funk. I suppose I should actually start the healing process, rather than continue to buy alcohol from a beverage warehouse (Thank you BevMo). I suppose.

Anyways, the way that everything went down was not as bad as I thought it would be. We sat in my room with a bottle of Tequila (Sauza) and started talking about where things went wrong. Then, we realized that wasn’t getting us anywhere…we both had different perspectives. So, we decided to reminisce about the beginnning. I think that’s usually the way it goes…whenever you are faced with the end…you start to think of the beginning. I think it’s because the beginning was so fresh and doe-eyed. I think it’s because the beginning meant promise and assurance of good times ahead.

Then, as time progresses, the beginning meets the murky gray middle and the middle is faced with some challenging hurdles. Despite, the path’s decaying “yellow brick road”…the journey itself is coupled with amazing moments of clarity and sheer happiness. As we walked that path together, we realized that we’ve come to an end. We’ve passed all our crossroads…we have gone through the detours…and now…we have come to the end.

I have seen the end and it comes in many forms…an empty room…a box of junk…an empty bottle…and dark shadows that mimicked the familiar. I sit in my room…not needing comfort…not needing words of encouragement…just wanting silence. I want complete and utter silence…because with silence comes no expectations…no arguments…no accountability…nothing. I am forced to process everything…I’m given the opportunity to cry without judgement…to curse without shame…to live without remorse.

I take a couple days off of work. I let the sadness and sorrow set in. I try to heal and purge and purge and heal. I numb the pain with alcohol. I get sick. I get tired. I feel defeated…not by the situation…but by my body. Then…as if reaching the apex of thought…I realized that I can’t force someone to be the person I need them to be…it’s either they are or they aren’t. It’s actually really simple. I realized that no one was really to blame for the dissolution of our relationship. Did we not try hard enough to salvage our relationship? Maybe. Do we regret our decision? Maybe. Are we going to be alright? Yes…I truly believe that we will be alright.

It’s time for a new beginning. It’s time to face life without apprehension. It’s time to live each day like it was my last. It’s time to listen to my own voice and see things through my own eyes.

I’m not looking for a happy ending. I’m just looking for a resolution.

So here I am…at a crossroads. I’ve made a decision. I am sick and tired of his shit. I am angry that he doesn’t take the initiative to become the person I know he could be. He is a selfish bastard. The only thing that has kept me by his side is his passion, his boyish good looks, and his humor. On the other hand, there are aspects of him that keep me at a distance…such as his selfishness, his cockiness, and his blatant refusal to grow up.

I’m not looking for the perfect guy. Actually, I am.

However, I am looking for the guy perfect for me. I really don’t think he is anymore. At first, I thought…maybe. At first, I thought…finally. It all leads back to the one guy that really encompasses everything I look for…unfortunately, we are just friends now. That’s life.

I guess I won’t have that happy ending after all…but at least I found a resolution.

bye…you RAT BASTARD!

In a nutshell (a tiny, booger-infested, suffocating nutshell), I taught kindergarten. I substituted for a friend, despite my better judgement. I knew that teaching kindergarten was hell on earth…and she taught in Inglewood (drinking 40s, smoking blunts, and stabbing people with broken shards of glass is pretty much the norm), otherwise known as Downtown Shadyville. The school/kindergarten I taught at was called “Downtown Value”…doesn’t that sound like a hardware store or something?

I, as you know, am a short, chubby, Asian girl with glasses. I am not scary. I am not in-your-face with the ghetto fabulousness. These areas do not scare me. I don’t give a shit about the “Dangerous Minds” type of students that often give me the evil eye or tell me that they want “2 choice – orange chicken and sweet and sour pork”. Whenever I teach high schoolers, it is business as usual. Normally, I would casually show them the middle finger and walk away…often times after I spray them with Mace.

On the other hand, I cannot (legally) spray 4 yr. olds with Mace or show them the middle finger. I’m not allowed to slap a ho or kick a dick. I’m contractually obligated to mind my Ps and Qs. Also, I have never, ever taught kindergarten before. Hell, I don’t even like to babysit anyone younger than 17.

So I wake up at the butt-crack of dawn (5:00am) and get ready. Class starts at 7:30am. I find the school fairly easily (I just followed the sounds of gunshots and crying babies) and park my car. The school is situated underneath a freeway overpass and two miles west of Skid Row. I cringe. I park my car and lock it. I walk two blocks and rush back to my car to make sure I locked it. I walk away and pray that my hubcaps will still be there when I return. I pray that my car will still be there when I return.

I walk to the school and in 5 minutes am surrounded by really, really ugly kids running around the yard. Okay…they weren’t all ugly…just the majority. I hear screams and parents yelling for their kids to “shut the fuck up! Or they’ll get it at home”. I hear my stomach gurgling. I hear the crows cawing and death breathing down my neck.

I head over to the classroom and shake my head as I see red paint (or blood) smeared all over the walls. I smell glue, cheetos, and bug spray. I sit down and wait. I felt like a gladiator waiting to enter the lion’s den. I see a rush of rugrats racing into the classroom like a stampede of diseased cattle.

My knees shake. I introduce myself. The kids introduce themselves (tongue showing, middle finger waving, paper ball throwing). I start the lesson. They ignore me. The day progresses and everything is a blur. The only thing I remember is walking out of the building after school is dismissed and smiling as I felt the sun shine upon my face. I also remember some kids eating wood chips, stealing gold fish crackers, peeing on themselves, pooing on themselves, biting each other, and narking on each other. I do NOT want to have kids.

I will adopt the 17 1/2 yr. old Italian boy of my dreams. Anyways, kindergarten is like a bad prison movie. I was scared, tortured, and ridiculed. On the bright side, my car was not stolen and my hubcaps were intact.

I can pretty much say without hyperbole…that kindergarten is hell…absolute hell.

So, I was tricked, rather forced into updating my blogs. WTF!!! I’m the laziest person alive and I’m blogging. I would much rather use my time sleeping or eating…or both. I mean…just today I thought that I should give my dog a bath…but decided to Febreeze him instead. Also, I thought…hmmmm…my dog’s crying….I bet he’s hungry…so I throw him a bag of BBQ chips and wish him luck in opening it. Plain and simple…I am lazy.

Now, I must stay on track and talk about Chi-Town. My flight going there sucked and wasnt that great. I couldn’t sleep, which sucked because I was on a red-eye. I arrived and soon felt the cold Chicago air piercing my face with its sharp pricks. All I kept thinking was…”Damn that Cheryl…this is not ‘Shorts’ weather.” Then, I waited for her…and talked to a woman who thought I was a runaway/migrant worker.

Soon, I see Cheryl and her Rolls-Royce. It was amazing. She brought me some food…which was awesome. We went to her apt. and I met her roomie, Emmy. She was very, very nice and made me some Korean coffee. Cheryl’s apt was super cute (Emmy keeps it clean…with no help from pigsty Cheryl i’m sure) and her room was also relatively cute…in a please-clean-me kinda way. Cheryl did inform me that she cleaned before I came. I surveyed her room and saw her neatly stacked paper piles presed against the wall and gum wrappers spread on the floor like petals on the ground. It was like the Ritz-Carlton, only without the swimming pool. I pretty much spent the day eating (the Deep Dish Pizza was awesome) and hanging with the Hitosis clan.

Afterwards, I met her friends at a bar and we went to another bar and some dude bought me beer. Though taken, I still have game.

Before I proceed, Cheryl was kind enough to take an obscene amount of photos of me. It was great. I was loving it. I mean…my mom needs more pictures of me to add onto her Jean Shrine.

The next day, we went to the Field Museum, the Hancock Observatory, and then we ate at White Castle. We also saw the Magnificent Mile, the big ass Bean, some buildings, some fountains, and a shit-load of parks. We took a lot of pictures…especially at the Observatory…because they had some kick ass props.

Oh, I almost forgot, Cheryl is a speed-walking, bus-hopping sociopath. Despite my pleas, she left me broken and alone on the streets of Chicago. Not to mention, her ass got us lost….that bastard!!!!!!!

White Castle was awesome.

We ate too much and smelled like burger farts afterwards. We also rented a Gay Chinese boy movie at Blockbuster. Cheryl’s choice. It was a toss-up b/w that or the “Weeping Camels”. I think Cheryl’s roomie thinks we are seriously disturbed people.

The next day, we went to the Shedd Aquarium and the Adler Planetarium. I loved the Shedd. It was awesome. I felt like I was the host of some sort of Discovery channel show. I talked to people and taught them about the poison frogs of the Amazon and about the Coral Reef and ways to protect it from predators. I should work there. Cheryl made all the lizards sad. I’m not sure how. It’s her rain cloud. I’m pretty sure the lethargic Komodo Dragon was a bit more lively and ferocious…and then we came…and it looked dead.

I had diarrhea at the Shedd. Moving on, I had a breathing contest with some random dude who dared to challenge me. He lost. What a pussy! I took mad pictures here. They had no props, but they had a ton of turtles. I took like 200 pictures here and Cheryl had like 2.

I fell asleep at the Planetarium. So did Cheryl. I snored and woke myself up. People were staring at me…so of course I placed the blame on Cheryl and told her to wake up. We were watching some Big Bang thing. I think I was tuckered out because some guy earlier farted on us while we were watching some Native American slideshow. I was uber, uber tired.

We left the Adler and ventured back. Her friend, Jessica, was waiting for us by the stoop. We ate a a Thai place (good Pad Thai) and had some coffee and gelato. We were trying to pop Cheryl’s back knotts, but that wasn’t happening. It looked like we were trying to publicly kill her. On our way back to the car, I saw a sign for a prom. Of course, being who I am, I decided to crash it. I went in pretending to look for my friend Margaret Cho. She was nowhere to be found.

I danced a little and voted for Prom King and Queen. Then we left. I wish I had a prom dress. It would have been magic.

We left and picked up Cheryl’s friend Char. She was cool. We went to a Karaoke bar. Cheryl and I dominated the microphone. I love rapping. It’s so fun. Our scores were high. Was there any doubt? We were classically trained by Mrs. Labrando.

It was a fun night. We ended up going back to the bar, so we can see that cute guy one more time. Cheryl got his name. Success. The balding dude wanted to buy me a beer…but we were leaving…so I asked for the money. He laughed. I didnt.

Cheryl was a drunk driver. She basically put my life in danger more than once. Selfish asshole.

The next day, we sped through the Musuem of Science and Industry. I would’ve liked to stay longer, but we were on a mission. We needed to go to a wedding. Oh, and Cheryl got us lost. You really wouldn’t think that she lived in Chicago. Just kidding. Anyways, we got lost. It was cool though…we had sushi afterwards and I got a free kid scoop from Oberweis. It was gooooood. We went to the wedding reception.It was open bar, which was good. I was pretty much the only non-Korean there. The steak was awesome. It was especially fun to see Cheryl squirm and be all paranoid crazy.

We ended up leaving early and I flirted with the Valet guy. Geez, Chicago has a lot of available men. Anyways, we head over to Eric’s house. He has a nice house. He loves food. He suggested that we eat at Susies. I’m glad we did. The cheese fries were amazing.

I had to wake up freaking early. I like how Cheryl’s alarm did not go off. Luckily, I set mine. The plane ride was uncomfortable and someone had a hear attack mid air, but seemed to be recovering well upon touchdown.

All in all, I had a ton of fun on my trip. I really should thank Cheryl, her patience and her bed.

Pretty much this was an unfinised blog with a catchy title.

The title explains horrifying moments of my past…seeing things that only appear in nightmares.

For the sake of human decency, I will not post pictures. So, I went to Barstow last year aka “The Armpit of California” and stayed at my friend’s house. She gave me the Barstow Tour, which consisted of checking out the Del Taco, visiting an abandoned nuclear testing site, watching a movie at the Drive-In, and hanging out at Rubys. This is not Ruby’s the burger joint…this is Ruby’s the homeless people dancery.

I’m not trying to be an ass or insensitive to our homeless population, but this place is literally a homeless people dancery. Anyways, I walked in (no cover of course) and took in the sights (homeless woman breastfeeding) and the smells (urine, blood, and cheese). I poked my friend and pointed at the woman on the dance floor. She was grinding and bobbing to 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” and breastfeeding her child. It was amazing…amazingly gross. I wanted to throw a huge ass poncho on her so she could stop exposing her girly parts. I also saw two men snorting crack cocaine. I turned to my friend and said “Unless you want to request the Electric Slide…let’s get out of here. I’m pretty sure I contracted Syphillis and Genital Warts, while standing here.” We left. She later explained that Barstow was also the Meth Capital of California. I looked at her…confused…sighed and said “Wow…Barstow is damn classy!”

Now on to the little boy looking at porn. So, I used to nanny this 11 years old boy. I will not provide his name but it rhymes with Bristian…and has a Ch….nevermind. Anyways, I was downstairs making his dinner…Mac and Cheese and toasted bread. He was upstairs “supposedly” doing his homework. So, I ventured upstairs to give him his food. Unfortunately, I did not knock and caught him… pants down looking at online porn. I dropped the food and yelled as I ran down the stairs “Your food is on the ground!” I quickly ran into the bathroom and vomited. It was the absolute grossest thing I have ever seen. I wanted to gouge my eyes out. Then, I wanted to gouge his eyes out. What a pervert!

After the fiasco, he pretended that nothing happened…he pretended that he wasn’t looking at “TEEN TITS and TACOS”. That rat bastard! So, I was like…hell no…he better recognize his unquestionable perversion. I mean that is just unacceptable, especially when someone else is in the house…and especially since he is only 11. I told him that if he ever did that again…his penis would fall off and he’d die a horrible, penis-less death. Also, I told his mom the horrors that I had seen. She gave me an extra $50 (she needed to cough up more than that…I was emotionally scarred) and took away his computer (she needed to send him to a Chinese military school). As she walked me to my car (since my knees were wobbly and my sight had not yet fully recovered), she told me that she had child-blocked sites like that…and that she cannot understand how he unlocked the site and found her password.

I looked at her and thought, “Seriously?”. An untrained monkey could have unblocked those sites. Her password is her son’s name. I’m sure it took him 5 minutes to unblock everything and read her private emails. He’s 11 yrs. old. He’s a product of technophiles and Geek Squad personnel. I left in disgust and severely disappointed in my $50 hush-hush money.

Anyways, two of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. This is saying a lot since I’ve seen cows being slaughtered and someone’s penis being crushed by a bowling ball.

I never, ever want to see grossness like that again. Ever.