the disgruntled world of ________ !

I will most definitely start off the year with a smile on my face. I went home for the holidays. It was a nice, gluttonous trip back home to my pet rock, I call Guam. True, the years have not been kind to me…I went from being a statuesque 5′9 and 115lbs to a midgetesque 5′1 and probably 200+ lbs of fun.

It was hot. I was bit by every mosquito on island (possibly because I sweat pure sugar and smell of gardenias). I did painful and back-breaking work/chores for my parents, i.e. cleaning the pool, taming the shrew, washing the clothes, running errands for the master. I probably have malaria and two toenails died during transit. In other words, I had a wonderful time.

I ate everything I wanted to eat at every restaurant I wanted to eat at. I went to bars/clubs with people I like and who make me feel warm and fuzzy…in a very platonic, warm and fuzzy kind of way. I went around the island.



I swam and snorkeled and cleaned algae off the reef to protect our natural tsunami barrier. I spent time with my parents who make me laugh, cry, and wash their unmentionables. I hung out with some close friends, friends, new friends, and enemies (who they sure as hell don’t think/know they are my enemies). I lived life like I had no worries, regrets, or reason. I had a great time. I even squeezed some evil deeds in by introducing the world of Meteor Garden to my friends and calling one of them names (dumptruck and Korean). It was a satisfying trip…really long though…b/c upon my return to the mainland…I came to the realization that bills were overdue, the house was in semi-disarray, and my manuscript was not corrected…to top it off…I had class the next day.

Top 5 Things I’ll Miss:



1. Black Squid Ink Pasta from Capricciossa – It is my absolute favorite dish throughout this planet and the rest of the galaxy…except Pluto…Pluto’s the retarded kid no one plays with (disclaimer: for those disgusted by the previous statement…no worries…I’m studying to be a Child Psychologist)

2. My parents…they should actually be first…but if you’ve ever tried the black squid ink pasta…you’d understand.

3. Friends – even the new ones made…but let me go ahead and name drop the specific people who made my trip the best it could be (Ann “the Atan Baba Deflector”, Cheryl “the Racist Korean Dumptruck”, Chuck “Chuck”, Jo “the Girl whose feet still smell like Buttery Popcorn”, Josh “the White man who invaded the Southern part of Guam”, Nolini “the White woman who invaded the Northern part of Guam”, Phil “the ONEDER”, and my poor, poor Mary.

4. Assam Black Tea – I literally would make out with the bottle until the wee hours of the morning.

5. The beaches – I love the warm water, peaceful waves, white sand, and moray eel attacks.

Top 5 Things I Won’t Miss:

1. The Devil Weiner Dog – seriously, I will pay the first person to kidnap, rape, and kill this dog…50 US dollars roughly translated to 2,500 pesos. My mom named this dog Bridget, however, this dog is also known as the following…”Sexy Girl”, “Sexy, Sexy Girl”, or “Pretty”. Proceed with caution.

2. Mosquitos – I still have marks of their love bites still on me!

3. Slow ass drivers – no lies…it drives me crazy…sure, Guam is 30 miles long and about 8 miles wide at its widest…but to drive approx. 10 mph is retarded, dangerous, and retarded. No offense to the slow ass drivers reading this. No offense…but let it be a little pearl of wisdom you can drop into your thought bucket the next time you get behind the wheel.

4. Fake people who pretend to give a shit about your life, but really don’t. I know who you are…and you are blacklisted my friend…if you aren’t black…then you’re brownlisted, whitelisted..etc. I’m trying to be PC people…sorta.

5. The lack of decent cable television – I had no BRAVO! nor did I have the other good channels…oh, and the shows are delayed…DELAYED!!!! DAMNIT to hell…we’re a US territory…treat us with at least some dignity!